break me to pieces (i think you're just like heaven)
by LMoriarty
Summary: Alex Danvers had been described as many things over the years, but in love? Even she never thought it was possible.


Alex Danvers had been described as many things over the years, but in love? Even she never thought it was possible.

Alone forever, those were the words she had always used. _I'm going to be alone forever, mom_ , she would say. _Stop pressuring me to date the boys at school, mom, I'm going to be alone forever, mom, I want to be alone forever, mom, let me be alone forever._

Eliza had only ever wanted what was best for her, but there was a reason Alex hadn't gone on a date in two years, and she thought— god, for _so long_ she thought it was because she was just _built differently_ , that relationships — that _intimacy_ — simply wasn't for her. Alex had never considered the other possibility — had never even realized it was an option, not for her, never for her — but then...

But then she met _her_.

There was something about Maggie Sawyer that Alex was subconsciously drawn to, and if it weren't for the fact that it was totally cliché, she might have said it was her smile. Or her eyes. Maggie had really nice eyes. There was nothing special about them — they didn't resemble gems nor did they resemble jewels, didn't darken or lighten with her moods, didn't appear gold when struck by the light — but dear god, Alex loved them. They were warm, and caring, and _kind_. When Alex was stumbling over her words, trying to find the right ones, unable to say them once she did, Maggie's eyes were _watching_ her, friendly and open and supportive and—

Alex had a lot of people in her life that loved her. She knew that. But Maggie— she was different, somehow. Not that she loved Alex, of course she didn't, they barely knew each other, but they were friends, and look— platonic love, okay? Friend love. That's what she meant. Even if Alex wanted Maggie to— no. She wasn't going to go there. Maggie was her _friend_.

Friends were important.

Alex didn't have a lot of them.

Oh, sure, she had Kara, but she was her sister, so it didn't count. There was J'onn, but he was her boss, and more of a father figure than a _friend_. Winn and James and possibly Mon-El were all Kara's friends, not hers. Alex had gotten along well with Lucy, but they didn't really keep in contact, so— Maggie. The only person she had was Maggie.

She couldn't lose her just because she was— because she thought she might—

 _Friends were important_.

Even if part of Alex wanted to step in close, grab onto Maggie's jacket, and pull her in for a kiss every time she saw her, friends were important. Maggie was her friend. That was all she was ever going to be, and getting her hopes up just because Maggie was gay would only result in Alex getting hurt. She knew that. She _knew_ that.

She kissed her anyways.

(When Alex said it was only going to get her hurt, _she was right_.)

"I'm proud of you," Kara said when she found out, and Alex cried even harder. That was all she ever wanted, but _not like this_. Not because she was crying her heart out, not because she had just ruined the best thing in her life. Kara wasn't supposed to be proud of her because of something like that. She tried to tell her that, but she couldn't get the words out, just shook her head and curled in closer. Alex could feel the way Kara's head nodded in response, like she knew what she was trying to say, and god, Alex had never been so glad to have Kara as her sister than she was in that moment.

"Do you—" Kara broke off, hugged Alex a little tighter. "I know you don't want to talk about it, but... should you?"

"I can't, I can't, I can't, I—" Alex covered her face with her hands, tried to stop them from shaking. This wasn't the way this was supposed to go. "Kara, I _kissed her_ , and she _rejected me_."

"I know that, okay? I know, and I'm _so sorry_ ," said Kara. She reached out, and grabbed Alex's hands. She tried to resist — couldn't bear the thought of looking her sister in the eyes, not now, not like this — but Kara was a god, and Alex didn't really feel like fighting. Her hands were dragged away within seconds. "But this isn't something you should just push down, and never talk about again, all right? You _kissed_ a _girl_ , Alex. That's wonderful. Forget about what happened next for a minute, okay, let's focus on that. You kissed her. And I bet she kissed you back, even if it was just for a second."

"I don't," Alex squeezed her eyes shut, tried to think back. Had Maggie kissed her? She had been so distracted by the rejection, by the _but as your friend_ , but— there was a chance, wasn't there? It was possible. "I don't know," she said. "Kara, I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"I know you don't," Kara said, and nodded, somewhat tentative, "I also know you should." She was smiling, but it looked sad. Kara looked sad a lot, when she thought nobody was looking. Alex was sure that it was hard, being a superhero; especially when it was _Kara_ — a girl who picked up the weight of the world and put it on her shoulders herself — who was putting on the costume and cape.

"I put myself out there, I kissed her, and she rejected me. That's what happened," Alex said. "Why do I have to go into further detail? She _rejected me_ , Kara. I should be allowed to pretend it never happened, just for a little while."

"Pretend _what_ didn't happen?" pressed Kara. "The rejection, or the kiss? Because I'm not letting you pretend that you didn't kiss a girl, Alex, I'm not letting you do that to yourself."

Alex looked away. "Kara—"

"You would have loved Krypton," she said, suddenly, and tucked a bit of Alex's hair behind her ear. The strands brushed against her skin, almost ticklish. "I know I don't talk about it much, but— it's not like Earth, with all this... confusion. Gender and sexuality aren't— they aren't _things_ , exactly. We're just Kryptonians." Kara smiled, and this one was real, and happy, and _proud_. "And you're just human. And you like girls. And that's okay, Alex. That's just fine. In fact, it's amazing. It's _amazing_." Kara grabbed onto her hand, squeezed it tight. " _You're_ amazing."

"But this isn't Krypton," Alex reminded her. "Gender and sexuality _are_ things, they're _big_ things; things that matter. I'm— I'm not— Kara, I'm not like you. I'm trying to accept myself, for the first time, _ever_ , and right now, I just want to curl up and cry, and _you should let me_."

"I'm not stopping you," Kara promised. "I will _never_ stop you, so if you want to cry, then you can cry, Alex. But I love you, and I know from experience that forgetting isn't an option. Forgetting is _never_ an option."

"Can you leave?" asked Alex, softly, desperately. She needed to be alone, she needed to be alone, she _needed to be alone_. "Can you _please_ leave?"

Kara regarded her for a moment, and Alex watched, suspicious. Kara looked... not quite like herself; looked _dangerous_. "I'm going to kill her," she decided.

"What? Who are you— _Maggie_?!" she rolled her eyes. "That's ridiculous. You're like a puppy dog, Kara, you couldn't kill anyone. Especially not an _innocent cop_."

"She's hardly innocent," said Kara. "You're my sister, and Maggie hurt you, Alex, really badly. I'm going to kill her."

Alex stared. She loved her sister, she did, but _really_? Alex should be the one reacting like that, not _Kara_. "One plus one does not equal two hundred eighty nine, Kara," she replied, rolling her eyes. "I'm going to be fine."

Kara stared back. "One plus— _what_?"

"Her rejecting me, plus me being sad, does not mean _you can kill her_ ," said Alex, "and you _know_ that, so just— let me be sad, for a little while, maybe a few days, and then let me move on."

"Can I at least throw a stapler at her head?" Kara asked, hopefully.

Alex laughed, pulled her in for another hug. "Maybe a watch," she decided. "At her legs. Gently."

"I'm going to go now, but— are you okay?" Kara cupped her face, and Alex could _feel_ her strength. They way her fingers rested on her skin, the way they pressed into it; Kara _screamed_ god, screamed _look at me now_ , screamed _nothing can stop me_. Alex had been sure that she was joking, but— she could easily kill Maggie, if she thought it was necessary, if she thought it would make Alex happier. Kara might not want to do it, might struggle with the decision emotionally, but physically? She could tear her heart out without hesitation.

Alex wondered if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"I'm going to be," she said, and she believed it. Alex wiped away the tears still in her eyes, still rolling down her face, and smiled. "Besides, my motorbike's better than hers."

Kara paused for a moment, placed her hand on Alex's shoulder. "Are you going to talk to her?"

She thought about it for a moment. Maggie had hurt her, that was true, but not intentionally, and everything she had said— well, it wasn't wrong. They _were_ in different places. Alex had only just realized that she was— that she was— that she was _like Maggie_ , and Maggie had known for _years_. That sort of relationship wouldn't last, that was what Maggie had told her, and she was right. It still hurt, her chest still ached, but— one day. One day, in the future, maybe it _would_ last.

"Eventually," Alex said. "Maybe tomorrow."

That sounded like a good idea.


End file.
